Falling Apart
by MissShadowBolt
Summary: Set after Mummy on the orient express, a look into Clara's mind, analyzing the guilt she may have felt toward lying to Danny and the Doctor. May add more later.


**Disclaimer~I know this will shock many of my dear readers, but I do not own Doctor Who, nor am making any profit off of this fic. I do, however, own a headache from 3 hours of editing, obviously I make big bucks off of that. (*Cough* Sarcasm *Cough Cough*) Oh well, thanks for reading and I hope you all enjoy!**

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Clara was a patient woman, but as of late she was on edge.

She sat at her desk listening to the scratching of pens and the occasional sneeze from the classroom full of children. Today was a test day, and despite the fact that Clara had to grade the tests, she was thankful that her students were silent for once. The silence gave her time to think. She stared at the clock and ran through her plan once more.

At lunch, which was a half an hour off, she would casually slip into the art supply closet to find the Doctor who had agreed to meet her there. She would have to be sure that Danny, who would be teaching a lunch study hall, wouldn't see her. After that she was home free, off on some new adventure. As long as Danny didn't catch her.

She bit her lip, the fact that she was constantly lying to her boyfriend about, well, about everything was tearing her apart. She had promised him that she would stop running off with the Doctor, and she had tried to stop running away with him. But she couldn't. It was all just so….addictive.

Intense highs, literal trips out of her world would fill her nights. Intense lows of pain regret and reality would fill her days. It kept her craving the highs once more, the times where she could be running in the stars with her Doctor, saving lives, preforming daring stunts, betting her own life time and time again against the hands of danger and winning! It was a thrill. Helping billions of people, seeing their love and gratification, saving the helpless and dying from internal and external threats. It was fulfilling. She couldn't get enough.

Clara knew that she was an addict. Traveling with the Doctor was more addictive than any drug. She knew that, but Danny didn't. Danny, her loving boyfriend who only wanted what was best for her only knew that what Clara was doing was dangerous. Clara knew what Danny saw in it, he saw that the adventures were destroying Clara mentally and physically, he could see her being pushed her to her fullest limits. He wanted her to stop, he had told her that, she had agreed, decided to stop, told the Doctor she would stop, than turned right around, lied to Danny and went crawling back to the Doctor for another hit. But did she ever have any other option? Danny didn't understand that she couldn't stop. Nobody understood that, nobody except herself. She wondered if there were others who knew the feeling, she wondered if there were others who had fallen addict to these adventures, the other companions whose names she barely knew. Had Amy? Rory? River?

She was pulled out of her reflections by a small cracked voice.

"Miss Oswald?" Clara glanced down, there was a kid in front of her desk, Peter, one of her students. His face was pale, his cheeks were flushed, his eyes were red and his nose was dripping. The sight of the child reminded Clara that it was cold and flu season.

"Yes Peter?" She asked.

Peter sniffed and slipped a half-finished test on Clara's desk, "Can I go to the nur-nur-ACHOO!" Clara leaned back as the boy sneezed at her. She reached for a box of tissues before handing one to the kid. "Nurse's office." The kid squeaked wiping at his nose with the tissue.

"Sure," Clara responded, "put the test in the turn in box, I'll write you a pass."

Peter nodded into the tissue and Clara sighed and pulled a yellow office pass from her desk drawer. She really hoped that she wouldn't catch anything. The hallways of Coal Hill were a minefield nowadays full of coughing children and mucus. Around this time of year she always ended up getting sick, and so did the other teachers, just this morning she had noticed at least ten subs in the teachers' lounge, flus and colds were picking them of one by one.

Peter hobbled back to Clara's desk as she finished writing the pass, he shouldered his backpack and had wrapped himself in a thick coat even though the classroom seemed fairly warm to Clara. She handed him the pass and went back to watching the clock.

Lunch came quickly after that, time seemed to slip away and soon the bell rang loudly above Clara's desk. A part of her wanted to bolt the second the bell sounded, but she restrained herself and let the children file out of the room first. When they were gone she jumped up, although, it made her a bit dizzy to stand so quickly, which was odd. She did a quick sweep, picking up the pens on the floor and straitening the chairs and desks, intent on getting the now empty classroom somewhat clean. She needed to waste only a second of time before she met with the Doctor, she wanted the halls to clear before she left, that way no one would see her sneak off and alert Danny to her locking herself in the supply closet.

She listened to the sounds outside her door and when they grew semi-quiet, she locked her classroom up and stalked off into the halls, the keys to the supply closet pressed into her hands.

As she walked, she could feel her pulse speed, she could feel a little lift in her step, and a little smile on her face. What would the adventure be today? Saving a lost civilization from giant monsters threatening to devour the sun? Zip lining over an active volcano to save a family of aliens? Maybe running down long and winding corridors from an army of robots or terrifying beasts from another galaxy! Really anything could happen. She found herself fiddling with the keys, ready for anything.

As she turned the corner and neared the closet, she froze. Walking down the end of the hall was the one obstacle she wasn't ready for; Danny.

Clara looked down to her hand where she clutched the keys, and suddenly feeling a pang of guilt, she shoved the keys in her pocket of her dress and tried to look natural.

Danny, who was chatting with another teacher, kept walking toward Clara and eventually saw her, when he did, he smiled, than waved the other teacher off, telling him to leave.

The other teacher passed a glance between Danny and Clara before grinning a stalking off, undoubtedly thinking that he should give the lovebirds their space. Clara wished that he would stay. When it was just her and Danny, there were no questions that were off the table. But when mere mortals bound to a linear progression through time were around, Danny would have to censor any suspicions he may develop about Clara's double life. But, regardless of what Clara wanted from the other teacher, the teacher passed Clara and turned the corner leaving her alone with the man she both loved and lied to.

Clara tried to look composed, but failed. Danny walked up to her.

"Hey." Danny greeted, still grinning and opening his arms for a hug as he came closer.

Feeling guiltier by the second, Clara hugged Danny back. "Hey," She repeated as they embraced, guilt stabbing at her insides as she tried to come up with something to say, "I, I thought you were teaching a study hall today." She regretted her words as soon as they were out, they sounded half stressed and half disappointed.

Danny pulled away from the hug and raised his brow, scanning over Clara's face, "Was going to," He began, "But miss Figgs, the teacher who was supposed to help, is out with the flu. We cancelled the meeting."

"Oh." Was all Clara could say. She shifted her weight slightly, staring down at the floor.

Danny looked worried, he could tell that something was wrong, "You feeling okay?" Danny asked, "You look a little pale, and," He pressed his palm to Clara's forehead, "You feel a bit warm. You're not sick are you? I can drive you home and we can call a sub if you are."

Clara barely thought before she spoke next, "Oh, um, maybe a little." She said, needing a reason for why she looked so flustered. Although, she could feel something almost fake about Danny's concern, surely Danny could recognize guilt when he saw it, she looked guilty, not sick. Unless she was sick and just hadn't noticed. Maybe he was just playing up the sick card to give Clara an out, a reason to go home He knew that being away from the Doctor was hard for her, or maybe he simply thought that Clara had been pushed too far and that she couldn't stick around school. He was being kind, trying to help her through a transition that Clara wasn't really going through. He was only making things worse for her by doing so.

Apparently she was silent for too long, because Danny's next words broke through her thoughts in a way that was almost jarring, "Alright then, come on, I'll drive you." Danny said gently. He kissed the top of her head and whispered, "You'll get through this," Before grabbing her hands.

"N-no." Clara said as Danny took her hand, the words were too rushed, too frantic, and too guilty.

"No?" Danny asked, more concern lighting his features.

Clara gulped at his far too kind concern and put on a smile, "I mean, no thank you." She amended, "I think I'm fine, I'll stick it out. 3 more class periods to run, I have kids taking tests all day and I have to be around to collect all the papers. It would be irresponsible to go home. But, thanks anyway. We have all night to talk about things." She smiled, it looked like a brave smile, one that was fake, but enduring and strong. Thankfully brave smiles were very close to guilt ridden smiles.

Danny frowned, "You sure?" He asked, placing a hand on her cheek. Clara wanted to sob.

"Yes." Clara said, "Go get some food, I'll meet you in the cafeteria in a bit, I just need to use the restroom first."

Danny nodded "Alright." Once more he kissed Clara's forehead and left. Clara didn't move until she heard Danny's footsteps walk all the way down the hall. Then she drew the keys from her pocket and took the last few steps needed to get to the supply closet. Before she opened the door before she took in a shaky breath and tried to forget her guilt. Unable to, she took a second breath, and than a third, she couldn't seem to calm herself. Suddenly she was sobbing, she felt like a lead weight had been dropped in her stomach. The guilt was crushing now.

She leaned her head into the door of the supply closet, unable to fend off the panic. Breath after painful breath dragged her further down. This had to stop. Something had to stop. She couldn't decide whether the adventures should stop, or the lying. But neither of those could stop, she couldn't deal with the consequences. Right now all she could do was get a grip. She couldn't go see the Doctor like this, she couldn't show him what a complete wreck she was. He would inquire if she did. Clara had lied to The Doctor, she had told him that Danny was alright with all of this. If she showed up sobbing, she didn't know if she could lie her way out of his questions.

Somehow, that thought gave her a form of strength. Through sheer will, she found herself standing up straight. She wiped the half-formed tears from her eyes and fumbled with the keys, she bit back the urge to cry. She unlocked the supply closet door and slipped inside, not bothering to turn on the lights when she did. She closed the door behind her and leaned on it.

She took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the dark, than another moment for her to compose herself fully. She put on a smile, she tried to look ready and excited, like she had been before seeing Danny. She was hardly able to manage the smile, but she took comfort in the fact that soon she would be too busy to feel the guilt.

Clara's heart leaped slightly when she saw the blue box parked in front of her. The TARDIS was a promise of adventure, the TARDIS was a chance to run. She was here to run, and there was no better place to run too.

**0o0o0**Authors Note**0o0o0**

**Yay! I actually wrote something! This fic was inspired by Clara's sudden turn around in 'Mummy on the Orient Express'. I have a feeling that we're really going to focus a lot on both Clara's guilt and her obvious addiction to traveling with the Doctor in upcoming episodes, this fic is just my take on what she'll be feeling like shortly after the Mummy episode.**

**I may leave this as a oneshot, as it works well that way, but if I do write another chapter I think that I have a pretty good idea of where I'll take the story. Leave a review below and share your thoughts on Clara, the story itself, or whatever. I'd love to hear them and if I update this all posted reviews will be responded to at the end of the next chapter.**

**Thanks for reading! With love; MissShadowBolt**


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